A post from Aug 14, 2015

Contrary to one of the songs of my favorite band OneRepublic, love does not run out. During a team building session, my teammates and I found ourselves talking about self-entitlement and love.

A teammate said that I should stop thinking that I can truly “give my all.” That love is one of the most abundant things in the world that if I I start thinking that indeed it is, in moments of unmatched love, I am still capable of loving something more, someone else– but most importantly, myself.

To stop believing that I “deserve only the best,” thinking that I am entitled for the best kind of love to exist as it sets unreasonable expectations on people. I know pain comes from unmet expectations but I didn’t realize that believing that I DO deserve the best sets these lofty bars– and wow that’s unfair. Unfair to the people I “loved” since these people are flawed just like I am.

It’s difficult to to let go of these ideals and I’ve confirmed that I’m truly not ready to have any kind of relationshit not only because I said so but because of all these things imprinted in my brain that made me realize– wtf ayoko na magka-jowa talaga. Joke, sabay bawi. HAHAHA

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If you can make people happy, do it! 

I won’t say I’m one of the saddest people on earth, but the last two lines though. It says a lot

LAYSA POSSESSES THE POWER TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY!!

One of Those Days

One of those days I find myself asking questions that have the slightest chance to be answered.

Did you know you were putting me down?
Did you know how you were making me feel so stupid?
Did you know how you made me feel so ashamed of myself?

If you knew, why did you do it?

And if you don’t, know that even if my heart has been healed, those feelings are to stay. Right now, only answers can make them go away.

Not being able to move on YET does not make you a bad person

It’s been a while since I actually let my thoughts out through a blog but let me just get back, just this time because I simply can’t can’t understand WHY I’ve been getting anonymous questions in ask.fm asking if I have moved on (or “You haven’t moved on!” Actually a statement, not a question) as if not moving on yet is something bad— as if it makes you a loser of some sort.

What does moving on mean, if I may ask? If it meant not wanting to be with the person again, then yes, that makes me “moved-on.” Albeit I believe there are levels and depths about this phase in one’s love life (i.e. moved on from the break up itself? The good times? The self-esteem and emotional damages? Your ex-partner’s adorable family? haha), the point of of writing this is not to define being able to move on, but to tell you that not being able to get over just yet is OKAYAnd definitely normal.

Quoting my favorite ask.fm answer from @shakirasison:
“If the love is real and it’s strong enough to cause you turmoil, then you simply can’t stop loving someone because we don’t have an on and off switch that way. We don’t transfer love from one person to the next the way we turn over an hourglass.

 Also, let me quote from my dearest OneRepublic’s I Lived…
“Hope that you fall in love, and it hurts so bad…
the only way you could know, you gave it all you had.”

Now tell me, how is it easy to move on from a feeling so significant? I know first hand how awesome it feels to actually BRAG about being able to move on so quickly! But let me tell you this,

I loved so much, GAVE so much that it started to destroy me. It was a love so greatly complicated and extreme in all possible ways that my being wasn’t able to handle and contain; that every time I remember how much I’m capable of giving to my own expense makes me cry because I don’t understand how and WHY! (I feel those tears dropping now!!).

My question now is, have you ever loved like that? How you even loved somebody so much it makes you cry? 

I did. And I am more than proud to say that; moved on, or not completely moved on just yet.

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I might have to write how awesome my being single is one of these days because of the drama this blog post have caused. People, I’m okay now! 2014 na at may bago na rin akong pinagkaka-kiligan at kontento na ako doon! Wehe! :’) This is worth saying, JESUS HAS GIVEN/WILL GIVE ME EVERYTHING I’LL EVER NEED.